Monthly Archives: September 2017

Healthy Relationships Towards a Beautiful Life

In happy relationships, there are five simultaneous relationships happening. Healthy relationships are based upon each person having a relationship with him-or-herself. The relationship with the self is the basic building block of a relationship. Both parties must have broken through their denial systems to some extent, achieved some modicum of honesty with themselves, and become willing to take responsibility for themselves. In general, each must be a person in his or her own right. If one does not have a relationship with the self, it is truly impossible to have a living process (healthy) relationship; it will not be possible to be honest with the “other” if one is not in contact with oneself.

This relationship with the self is a source of pleasure and expansion and needs time and nurturing in order to grow. In order to have a relationship with the self, it is necessary to have quiet time alone, time to enrich one’s spirituality. A relationship with the self takes time. Truly having a relationship with our own process relates us to the process of the universe.

The next two relationships that occur in healthy relationships are each person’s fantasized relationship with the other. Each person has a fantasy about what is go in on with the other and about who the other is. In healthy relationships, it is necessary to bring these fantasized relationships into the conscious self, explore them, and make them available to and share them with the others. These relationships can be the source of a lot of fun, and as long as we know them for what they are, can add richness to our relationship with ourselves and with others.

A fifth relationship in healthy relationships is the actual relationship that exists between the two people. It is dependent upon the previous four having been developed, maintained, and “cleaned up” if necessary. Not that we have to be perfect to have a relationship; relationships provide a major arena for growth and self-awareness, and paradoxically they have to exist consciously and be worked with for the relationship between the self and other requires taking risks. In order to have this relationship, it is necessary to be able to see the self and the other and to respect the process of both. This relationship is a rich source of information for the self. And it is more than that; it is an opportunity to know and be known.

In healthy relationships, the focus is upon respecting one’s own process. When this happens, each – almost be default – respects the others journey and supports it as well as his or her own.

Healthy relationships imply supporting each other, yet these is no focus upon “fixing” the other person. Each person’s process is respected and it is recognized that each must do what he or she must. It is understood that if I have feelings about what the other does, these are my feelings and I have to handle them as best I can. Commitment is not incarceration. It is each being committed to her or his own process, sharing that process, and respecting the process of the others.

A healthy relationship is an open system, which means that both information that is external to the parties and the relationship are sought, listened to, and resolved. Therefore, in healthy relationships, choices are very important,, and the generation of options opens the possibility to growth and creativity. Choices are not threats.

Relationships are mysterious. Never-the-less, it is fun to play around with some “lists” of ideas for “healthy relationship skills.”

To be able to ‘wait with” the evolution of a relationship.

To be able to be honest when one is not interested or cannot listen.

To recognize and accept one’s own needs and honor them.

To care for, not take care of, the other.

To know that dependency in any form kills relationships; to honor the integrity of the self and the other.

To know that one cannot compromise one’s moral values without eroding the relationship.

To be present to the self and the other and share intimacy where appropriate.

To know that physical loving evolves as intimacy grows.

To know the relationship is only one important aspect of one’s total life.

To be unwilling to turn one’s life over to anyone.

To accept responsibility for one’s own life and recognize the others responsibility for his or her own life.

To be honest with oneself about who the other is and what important values, hopes and fears are not shared.

To see the other and the self clearly, without judgment.

To know that blame has no place in intimacy and to be willing to own one’s mistakes without judgment.

To be able to share “worlds” while maintaining one’s own.

To be present.

To take risks and be vulnerable with the other.

To share feelings as one feels them.

To have and respect boundaries.

To know that suffering is not love – pain will occur; suffering is a choice.

To live one’s own process and respect the process of the other, whatever it is.

To know that love cannot be created or manipulated. Love is a gift.

According to Dorothy C. Hayden, LCSW, is a couples counselor and sexual consultant in private practice in Manhattan, “All of us are pioneers exploring the potential in relationships. We are learning together. In healthy relationships, we are always flying by the seat of our pants. When we are not trying to control, not trying to create an atmosphere of stasis or security, we are always evolving with the relationship.”

Differences Opinions on What Relationships Make You Happy or Tortured?

Often in a relationship it happens that at least one of the partners is not true to himself/herself. This happens for a variety of reasons:

HE, for example, wants to separate but is afraid to be alone; he wants to confess about an affair but is afraid of the results; he feels more responsibility to his grown-up children than to his new partner, but doesn’t have the courage to admit it to her; and so on and so forth.

She, on the other hand, hates the way he makes love to her but isn’t assertive enough to bring it up in the open; is tired about asking him to a help her around the house, but doesn’t want to confront him about it, afraid he might feel she doesn’t regard him as “a man”; she feels frustrated about him not inviting her out to restaurants as often as she would have loved to, but hesitates to bring the issue up, fearing he might get angry, and so on and so forth.

Two people in a relationship, none of them true to himself/herself

So here there are two people, in a relationship, none of whom is true to himself/herself, none of whom has the courage to bring up issues for discussion with the partner. As a result, due to being dissatisfied with the partner and with the relationship, they both behave in a passive-aggressive way with one another.

“Well, at least I am not alone,” each of them is quietly thinking.

“Well, at least I don’t rock the boat,” each of them calms himself/herself down.

“Well, who said a relationship should be perfect?” they each ask themselves, “is there anything like a perfect relationship?” they comfort themselves, each of them separately, but somehow together.

What makes them stay together?

So what makes them stay together is their silent, shared “agreement”, that their relationship is not good, but…

It might well be that according to their own standards, belief system, and “shared” view of partners and relationships, what they experience in their relationship is just “normal”; “they way things always are in a relationship”.

Do they feel they sacrifice much by not being true to themselves – and to their partner? Maybe not: it is likely that they don’t know better. After all, they both might have experienced failed relationships in their past; both might have separated or divorced (maybe even more than once); both might have never allowed themselves to open up to their partners and communicate openly and honestly.

So as much as they might resemble each other in their behavior, it doesn’t yet mean that they have much in common or are soul-mates. The opposite might be true: they are neither “relationship-wise” nor soul-mates. What they are is just two people in need for love who gotten attached to one another as a result of fears and needs which control them and drive them to stay together; to behave the way they do; to cling on to one another, feeling not really happy but then, “you can’t expect everything from a partner and from a relationship”, they tell themselves, quietly, each in own head, time and again.

The difference between choosing a partner and a relationship or escaping into them

What it all tells us is simple: when you approach a relationship not with the intention to gain something significant in your life but rather in order to escape something – be it escape from loneliness, from feeling not worthwhile, from being disillusioned with life and looking for something to “fill the void” – when you look for a partner and approach relationships with such an attitude, it is quite certain that you will end up – if at all – in a relationship in which you will not be true neither to yourself nor to your partner.

The funny part of it all (or shall we say: the sad part) is, that often you yourself might not even be aware of the fact that you are not true; that you have entered the relationship based on your need to escape, driven by fears, feeling inadequate to confront life, impatient to take the time to look around for a compatible partner, but rather willing to “jump in” with whomever seeks your company.

When initial “love” ends up causing you to feel tormented – yet you stay…

Indeed, upon initially meeting your partner and going out on dates you might feel “in love”; you might feel “attracted” to the person; you might feel loved and desired. But these, unfortunately, might be only short-term feelings, and sooner or later, as the two of you enter a “serious” relationship and maybe even move in together, you might realize, soon enough, that the “magic” has vanished (if there was one to begin with), and that all your dreams about a fantastic intimacy just went down hill, down the drain, and all what was left was… o well, someone with whom you escape your fear of loneliness, your fear of abandonment, someone with whom you attempt to fill in the void of love, neediness, self-worth…

Ignoring, denying, being unaware of reality

Does declining to be aware of your self-sabotaging behaviors enable you to prolong the relationship till “death will do you part”?

Does ignoring the fact that you are not being true to yourself and to your partner make you feel more “at peace” within the relationship?

Does repeatedly denying warning-signs that this partner and this relationship are not for you enable you to feel more “at home” with your partner?

Hard to say. This is your mind, your denials, and your relationship.

However, even people who are unaware can not cheat themselves (and their partner) all the time; can not continually pretend that “all is right”; can not repetitively come up with one thousand and one excuses to justify staying with a partner who is not for them and in a relationship that doesn’t bring them happiness.

The heart knows what the mind refuses to acknowledge

There is a proverb: “the heart knows what the mind refuses to acknowledge”.

Their hearts as well.

But they stay. Out of fear; and neediness; and feelings of worthlessness.

You might think to yourself: if only they would have developed awareness; if only they would have become aware of their fears and needs; if only they would have gotten up the courage to seek appropriate therapy, receive relevant advise; take initiative to make a positive change in their perception of themselves, of partners and relationships.

How to Make Honeymoon Last forever

I mean, the only thing between you and that state of despair is your pride and surely love is better for one day than pride for a lifetime?

“NOTHING IS IN THE WAY, ONLY ON THE WAY. Yes, that’s the way to think about relationships.

You can control 50% of your life. Choose which 50% carefully. All people can only control 50% of their life but they don’t know which 50% they value controlling. So they end up trying to control all their life which is impossible. It’s called half hearted living. Do you want half hearted life? I doubt it and if you do, stop reading this article now.

You want to put your whole heart into what you do because there are no half hearted success stories. So, sometimes you have to control your wealth but let go control at home. It depends on your values doesn’t it.

NEVER GIVE 100%

The reason people get in a mess with love and relationships is that they think that a relationship is the be all and end all of life. Most people who admire love and relationships are depressed, like RUMI and Romeo. They weren’t happy. All their life (and poetry) was spent moaning that they couldn’t enjoy themselves without love and relationships. Gosh, there’s a whole world out there to love.

Relationships don’t solve problems. They actually bring problems to the surface, sort of make them worse. Relationships magnify problems. They feed on them. Sometimes people hope that their love and relationship will solve problems. It’s very seductive. I will solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, the sex is great and the promise is fabulous. Relationships promise to will solve problems but they don’t. The closest a relationship gets to solving a problem is that it makes having a problem less intense because it feels like there’s a second person going in to bat for you in life. But in my experience, even that has its limits.

The other reason people get into a mess in relationships is that they put too much mush into them. If you divide life into seven equal parts like: career, money, health, intelligence, friends, self and relationship you get a rough idea about the real context of relationship. A relationship is not life, love is. And you can’t love one person and hate another. 99% of relationship failure is caused by unresolved judgements about someone in the past, or their sister’s past or their brother’s past or their parent’s. They grind that axe and hold onto all sorts of distaste so then they can’t love that in their current partner either. Remember that every person has every trait. It’s like sucking a dog poo lolly while kissing a prince. It’s going to make a difference. The taste alone of a judgement or hate that’s dragging itself through a person’s life becomes permanent. They taste crap even when they meet their soul mate. So, smart thing would be to use mouthwash. Process dirty laundry from the past, emotional baggage and really turn up.

This is what makes the difference for me.

I value that life is a journey and even pain is important to teach and guide us. My pain has a purpose and so, when I have it, I let all the pain in and don’t hold onto anything. Sometimes I’ve gone for help to finish a discard form, other times I’ve been through a ream of paper, 400 sheets of paper, listing the discard. For me, opening my heart again to love each day is a big value. I make sure there are no grudges or regrets about anything in my life. By doing this, I learn more about myself, my work, my life, my people, my human nature in six minutes than a meditator learns in a lifetime.

Pains and challenges don’t get easier, but they do get shorter. My first heartbreak heart took 3 years to deal with, the last one, 3 hours. Yes, I’m good at the forms, but I do practice between performances, I do them regularly on little things so I’m confident on the big things.

So, here’s the rub about love and life from my viewpoint.

You can’t go wrong. You can’t go wrong trying. You can only go wrong half trying.
If you are in doubt pull out.
If you are being safe, or self protective, or cautious in love, it’s over.
There is no half.
You and your baggage come into the relationship boots and all. Otherwise it’s a joke, and you’ll be the punch line.
Give all and if it ends cop it sweet, right in the heart.
Love your ex, unconditionally.
A few hints on being confident and putting 100% of your heart into a relationship.

Create a routine that works for you as if you are single or as if you were single and do not change one molecule of it when you are double except you might swap out going to the pub with friends for a date night.

Compromise kills love and therefore relationships. You get to know yourself you keep doing those things that make you a good you even when you are in a relationship.

Focus on love in the other six areas of life as well as relationship. It’s the overloading of relationship with too much pressure to create happiness that causes their failure.

Focus on fulfilment and be fulfilled when you enter a relationship – don’t burden your relationship with the job of making you happy. The purpose of relationships is not happiness, and, happiness is like an Ogre, always hungry, never satisfied. Turn up in your relationship already fulfilled – then your relationship can last a lifetime.

Don’t focus on trying to please your partner all the time, you might be making a huge mistake.

Don’t wish for or start looking for someone with the same values as you. Someone who is pleased by the same things as you. That notion is so self-destructive. That’s a bitter pill. No mouthwash can kill the flavour of being a disappointed lover. If you think the essence of a great relationship is finding someone who wants what you want and thinks like you think about work and life, you will be hurting forever. No need for that.

Be True to Yourself

Remember that there’s only one person on earth who thinks like you, who wants what you want and who needs what you need in the quantities that you need. And that person is you. If you think you found a like minded soul, this is possible but if you think that they will want what you want in the order you want it in, think again. Anyone who gives you the impression that they want what you want in the order you want it, is tricking, seducing and manipulating you by making things easy. They are just making you happy so you surrender to them.

Trust nature, if two people are the same, one of them isn’t necessary. If you do find an exact replica, a person who thinks like you, resonates with you, walks and talks like you and wants what you want, then wear a hard hat because they will soon ask you to change.

Healthy Relations / Marriage

In this time it becomes necessary to address issues affecting relationships. There is a high rate of divorce and relationship uncertainty. The home as the back bone of any society has been neglected over the years, the major stabilizers for this institution are the women folks, and how have they prioritized the home. What are their values, what is their ultimate goal? Most women place their priority on career, personal ambitions and others. Marriage is the least of their priority. This is one of the reasons why there is inadequate preparation before marriage. This explains why there is increase in divorce and failed relationships. Here we look at the foundation of a healthy relationship.

This article is meant for serious minded people not people who go into relationship for fun, such people hop in and out of relationships degrading the sanctity of relationship and undermining the values of what relationship should be; thy abuse it and lead many sincere innocent women and men into emotional despair and frustration.

Here I’m talking to people who intend to build a home. Not fakes, not pretenders, not use and dump. They are reasons why relationships fail one of it is lack of preparation. Marriage is the only institution that you have admission without writing exams or given a test, even when they do, they do not practice what there were taught. This has also affected many marriages and home in general. Certain principles have been ignored, we are in a world where men search for women to get married but can’t find, most men talk of “marriage material” what does this imply? On the other hand, most women will not get into marriage with any kind of person, they don’t get into marriage for the sake of it; they seek for marriage with dignity and self respect. Women seem not to prioritize marriage in the early age of their life, but it becomes a thing of almost importance in their later years of their life.

It’s time to change such mentality, being married does not change your ideology, rather early planning gives you ample opportunities to make the right choice, “one who will share in your dreams and aspiration”.

Every relationship has its own rules and policy, unfortunately that of marriage has been undermined; basically there are certain things you need to know before venturing into any relationship. It is necessary that you get prepared

1. Are you prepared for any relationship?

Most people go into a relationship for the fun of it or felt somehow they need a date. Going into a relationship without having clear reasons, or for selfish motive does not define your person. The attitude you portray today goes a long way to shape your future. If you are not prepared for any relationship, do not get into it no matter the circumstances, for young girls don’t ever think of “boyfriend/girlfriend issues” there are the things that may eventually destroy you, I always advice young ladies that the best age for marriage is 21 to 25. However, for whichever reason you choose to delay, preparation is the foundation for any successful relationship. Are you ready? How satisfied are you in such circumstance? You just have to be yourself; it must not be based on what someone said, or pressure from the opposite sex or any other. When you compromise against your wish, you bare the pains alone when the ill wind of relationship start blowing on you, no matter how people may seem to comfort you, you bare the pains alone. As a young lady work with age limit, dating should not exceed two years. which means you should only consider men who are ready for marriage,it may sound strange, study shows that people who date for more than two years have 70% chances that they might likely break up, it also lead to unwanted pregnancy and having children out of wedlock. Love is not just emotions it is also the ability to choose what you want, when you allow love to over shadow your ability and character you lost the ability to think right and make good decisions, you become blind. When love becomes blind, you know what that means. A blind man has no direction and can only be led by someone who sees. Preparation enables you to avoid bit falls.

2. Choose the right person

This is one of the most difficult aspects when it comes to relationships. The truth is you only know who a person is in times of adversity. Human are complex in nature, in relationships it’s not really about perfection but the ability to accommodate someone, accepting someone’s short coming the way it is, this is because you have two different people from different backgrounds. These are the factors you have to consider, because the person you think is an angel can turn up to be what you never imagined.

No matter how complex it may be “you know what you want” no matter the nature of things and the circumstance you may find yourself in, there are factors that may lead you to achieve good result. There are patience, watching and prayers. When you rush into a relationship you might likely rush out or live in pain; I have always advised that you wait a while. At this time friendship becomes necessary, but not too close, it all allows you the privilege of knowing new things and making new discovery.

3. Are you compatible?

No matter the emotions and pressure, be yourself; never say “yes” until you have “sorted out things” the only way to know how compatible you are is to become friends. What do you really want? What are your dreams, are you comfortable with his job, his way of life?

Be sure about your compatibleness, is not right to build up hopes, is really frustrating when you start regretting why you accepted such relationship. When you are not compatible you may likely have relationships problem which may lead to break up, when you start getting along having discussions it enables you both to know each other, then you will be able to know if you can live together.

4. Your reasons

Your motives, your thoughts and your overall reason will determine how healthy your relationship will be. This area is very important, when you fail to sort this out you might end up having heart breaks, you may not have confident in yourselves. Are you going into a relationship for beauty, wealth? Whichever reasons; what happens when what you hoped for fails you? To be on safe quad it should be for one reason “love” do you love him? Does he love you?

Material things are sometimes temporal when they fail that might be the end of such relationship. When you look at material things chance are that you might likely meat “fakes” deceivers, those who pretend to be what they are not. In the end they become your worst enemies. When you define what you want and be patient enough, you will know who they are. Your reasons should be genuine. In as much as you need a responsible man, love is the principal thing.

5. Is love involved?

In that regard you take more time and access yourself if your affection is based on love. The worst relationship is that without love. If you do not have true love, don’t venture into any relationship. Love is the foundation: the holy bible says; love covers transgressions, therefore in times of adversities true love keeps two people together. The person you are interested to; does he love you? What are his motives? When you give him sometime it will go a long way to show who he really is.